This is what it sounds like when 90s popstars cry: Celebrity dacryphilia fantasies (part 3)

Well, reader. Two weeks ago we had an introduction to dacryphilia and just last week we had an overview of literary dacryphilia. Are you sick to death of wet puns? Are you tired of lame attempts to shoehorn in references to songs with the word ‘cry’ in them? I certainly am. But it’s okay, the end is nigh! In our third and final installment, we’ll take a look at one of the main ways in which those with compassionate interests access crying material: via films and TV.

Tear-evision

In last week’s post, I mentioned that rather than watching pornography, Angela M was much more aroused by literary representations of crying. While references to literature are perhaps somewhat under-reported among other individuals that I’ve spoken to, you may remember that Angela M also mentioned the films of Pedro Alomodovar. The world of cinema and television is definitely a big discussion point within compassionate dacryphilia. This is summarised quite neatly by Punkchick, another person who I interviewed back in 2013:

I like watching comforting/crying scenes in normal movies/TV shows. In pornographic material I like videos that involve crying for emotional reasons (not BDSM). For example, people who are unsure of themselves sexually or are scared, because it shows an emotional intimacy.

Although Punkchick talks about pornography here, she draws a clear line from comforting to emotional intimacy via tears. Likewise, she makes the point that films and TV are a great source of crying scenes. The question on everyone’s curled-lips then, is which actors do Punkchick’s co-kinksters find particularly arousing? Crying Lovers forum can provide us with some answers.

Tearful Tom

hiddleston

Okay, let’s start with an obvious one. Tom Hiddleston is an attractive man, so once he starts crying, things can only get fitter. For my money, he’s looking best alongside Tilda Swinton in Only Lovers Left Alive. While the compassionate dacryphilia folk don’t seem to be too into existential vampiric love, they most certainly have seen a number of Tom’s other performances. The Night Manager, Thor and High Rise all get mention. Let’s turn to one forum user’s description of Mr Hiddleston’s recorded performance in the play Coriolanus:

Hiddleston has a pretty amazing extended crying scene at the end of Part 2 that includes tears, an adorable lip quiver, and some light sobbing as well. Here as elsewhere, I think he looks particularly great with tears in his eyes. I also think the fact that this is all happening live onstage really adds to the appeal.

In this example, there’s a clear focus on the physical aspects of crying – we’ve got tears, sobbing and the lip quiver. Indeed, the mention of a lip quiver reminds me of what I’ve previously termed ‘curled-lip dacryphilia’. As such, this user might be better characterised as having a curled-lip interest. It’s also quite interesting how the user refers to the appeal of this performance happening live onstage. Again, since dacryphilia may be a difficult kink to experience in real life, a theatre perfomance provides something that might come as close to the real deal as possible.

Sobbing Snape

snape

Our next actor moves away from the obvious charm of Tom Hiddleston. But let’s be clear – Alan Rickman is a G (as in ‘Gruber‘). This time, another forum user answers a question about the last crying scene that turned them on by describing a scene from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, featuring none other than Professor Snape:

I love the way the tear on his face was the sole focus of capturing his memory. Then his extreme love for Lily, and, after all that, his breakdown over Lily’s death and his hidden love for Harry. Just perfect. Especially since I have always loved his character and thought from the very beginning that he was just an extremely troubled but sympathetic man.

And there is nothing better than an extremely troubled man who eventually breaks down and reveals his sensitive side. 😉

Here, we get closer to compassionate dacryphilia territory. There’s talk about the tear, but it’s more about the character of the man. Snape is incredibly intense in his love for Harry Potter’s mum – so much that he experienced a breakdown after her death and unconditionally loves her son. This sort of description is reminiscient of the literary characters that Angela M outlines. We have a passionate man who loses control of his emotions as a result of romantic love. For this user, the idea of a troubled man revealing his sensitive side is the ultimate turn on. She can view his tears, but is also given the opportunity to comfort him. However, it’s also worth noting that this user earlier refers to Alan/Snape as “one of the sexiest actors/characters I’ve ever seen”. So physical attraction may also play a role.

Bawling Brian

harvey

This last one is pretty leftfield. East 17 had their heyday way back in the day. And Brian Harvey has experienced a number of issues along the years that have led to him – rather unfairly – being subject to mockery, instead of sex-star status. So naturally, I’m quite intrigued by the following forum user’s comment:

So, I’m not that into Brian Harvey, but used to like East17 when I was a young teenager. So, the other day I was watching some documentaries about them splitting up, and one of them was about the terrible accident that nearly cost him his life. If you go to 34. minute of the clip you can see him going back to the place where it all happened. He talks for a while but you can hear his voice breaking. He stops talking and turns to the other side. He tries very hard to keep his composure and not break down, but a single tear rolls down his cheek. And there’s a glimpse of his crying expression which I find beautiful. For some reason this really got me, although I don’t find him attractive at all. I’m so glad he let us see that.

The last part of this comment exemplifies the essence of compassionate dacryphilia. In spite of the lack of attraction, Brian’s single tear really got to the user. For me, this is what compassionate dacryphilia is all about. It’s not always good looks, it’s not necessarily a physical attraction – it’s the raw emotion of a man opening up and allowing others to view that sadness. This is where the compassion lies. Without the expression and openness, those with compassionate interests just can’t engage with the comforting instinct that drives their identities.

The end of the dacrytrilogy

On that note, we end the dacryphilia trilogy. Ever heard of eproctophilia? I’ll let you look it up. In all honesty, it’s a load of hot air, but I may well do a similar run on this fetish sometime next year…

Finding the erotic in Brontë and Dickens: Dacryphilia continued (part 2)

In my last post, I introduced you to dacryphilia, the crying fetish. In my academic research, I’ve speculated that there could be three different interests within dacryphilia: (1) compassionate dacryphilia; (2) Dominant/submissive dacryphilia; and (3) curled-lip dacryphilia. This week, I want to go a bit deeper with all you fetish fetishists. So we’re going to take a closer look at how those with compassionate interests get sexually aroused.

Real life is shit

Some sex researchers think that someone can’t have a fetish unless they’ve engaged in ‘real-life’ sex with it. Depending on what the kink is, this might not involve full on fucking, but these peeps still believe some kind of actual contact is required. I disagree with this. We live in a digital world. In the Global North, we are most definitely cursed with heaps of technology and internet accessibility, which makes it entirely reasonable for someone to enjoy their sex life through a screen. When it comes to fetishes, I find it even more understandable that someone might never have direct contact with their object of desire. Kinks are often marginalised, either through being ridiculed or considered strange. Let’s take the example of vorarephilia, which involves arousal from the idea of being eaten, eating another person, or observing people eating each other. Any thoughts on how you’d go about finding a partner for that?

The same can be said for those with compassionate interests in dacryphilia. How easy do you think it is to explain to a boyfriend that you’re quite aroused when he cries? This was certainly the case for Angela M, who I interviewed back in 2013. When I asked her about how open she was with others about her kink, she told me:

And my lovers, I only had two. They knew about my fetish, the first sent me photos with him in distress or looking as if he was tearing up, just to make fun of me and the other was teasing me as well, unaware of how much profoundly I treated this issue.

So yeah, proper tough. Angela M is one of the most fascinating people I’ve interviewed, to the point that I actually wrote a case study of all the cool shit she told me about dacryphilia. It’s well worth a read if you’re into pretentious hipster musing on how the construction of fetish as intellect may in fact serve to legitimise a stigmatised sexual identity. If that’s not your cup of tea, read on!

#noporno

We’ve already established that it might be difficult to experience compassionate dacryphilia in real-life. This was confirmed by Angela M when she told me “I don’t have any means to satisfy my kink but the videos.” So how exactly does she satisfy her kink? One common assumption is that people who are into crying get on Pornhub and search for crying videos. It’s not quite like that. Partly because the world of free porn is pretty restrictive and focusses more on crying women. More importantly, because the girls with compassionate interests want to see boys crying in more emotionally-charged scenes than the completely inauthentic ones typical of porno shoots. Check what Angela M had to say about her fantasies:

I like it when it happens all of the sudden and the character of my story is not willing to let go, to cry yet, he struggles, he represses, denies what he feels then…there’s this minutiae catharsis, when his eyes get flushed, well up with tears or the man is either shaken by sobs, has a breakdown or other such scenario. Such as Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights before the death of his beloved Catherine, such as Mr. Rochester in Jane Eyre, the Byronic hero, Vicomte de Valmont in Dangerous Liasions.

Far from low-brow blue videos, Angela M is banging on about literary classics of the 19th and 20th century! And it’s not just literature:

That’s class A of types that I enjoy seeing. There’s also another class of men that are naturally gentle and cry more readily and they’re very candid when it happens, very at ease with their own emotions such as Biff Loman in Death of a Salesman or Pip in Great Expectations, Marco Zuluaga in Almodovar’s Hable con ella

Alongside another classic novel, Angela M’s expanded her repertoire to include theatre and arthouse cinema! There’s plenty of interesting stuff going on in this part of the interview. For example, there’s an apparent distinction being made between alpha and beta masculinities, which Angela M finds equally arousing. Elsewhere, we’ve got this whole idea of arousal via high-brow culture.

Oh so Dick-ensian

But for now, let’s focus on where Angela M finds her sexual inspiration. There’s the films of Pedro Almodovar, which are of course screen media and therefore seem to bear some resemblance to the concept of internet pornography. However, Angela M also cites a number of written texts. Essentially, she is finding the erotic in books that are ostensibly non-erotic. I find this brilliant. First, it shows the power of the human imagination, that an individual is able to follow characterisation throughout a novel to the extent that the character becomes real enough for her to orgasm.

Moreover, it challenges the idea of what the erotic is. While the erotic does refer to anything that is sexually arousing, we probably tend to think of it in normative terms. And this probably means thinking in inherently sexual terms, even if we aren’t considering outright sexual practices. However, in Angela M’s case, her masturbation material was likely never intended to be consumed as erotic. Yet the fact that she is able to consume it in this way displays the strength of interpretation and our ability to make of a cultural artifact what we desire. I really like that.

Next week: East 17 make a comeback!

If this post has been too long and rambling for you, don’t worry! My next post is the third and final installment in this mini-dacryphilia series. And it features Brian Harvey.

What’s warm, salty and gets you wet? An introduction to dacryphilia (part 1)

Longer-term readers will know that I write about sex. On this blog, admittedly, it hasn’t happened so often. There was that post about squeezing coins into a foreskin, but otherwise things have been pretty sparse on the sex front. Naturally, I’m pretty proud of my sex chat. It means that when I’m down the pub in Camberwell, my mate can point at me and shout “tell them about the farting”. It also means that on the frequent occasions that I’m boring a stranger at a party, I can whip out some sex research to spice up the night. Today, I’m getting things back on track. Reader, let’s jump back into the teary world of dacryphilia.

Three dacryphiles walk into a pub…

A few years back, I interviewed eight folks from the US and Europe about dacryphilia for an academic study. Dacryphilia is a fetish that involves sexual arousal from tears and/or crying. What do you think of when you hear the words ‘crying fetish’? A lot of people I speak to instantly have an image of a man forcing a woman to cry, perhaps in a BDSM context, but also possibly in a nonconsensual way. Well guys, it’s not quite that simple! As I read through accounts of crying statistics masturbation sessions, it dawned on me that there were a number of different ways in which people could be aroused by tears. In the end, I identified three different interests within dacryphilia, which I termed: (1) compassionate dacryphilia; (2) Dominant/submissive dacryphilia; and (3) curled-lip dacryphilia.

Compassionate dacryphilia was a pleasant surprise for me, as I hadn’t anticipated this interest in any way. It was also the majority interest in the study. Essentially, compassionate dacryphilia involves women who are aroused by the act or idea of comforting crying men. The ladies I interviewed expressed a sense of pleasure in the rare emotional intimacy displayed by crying men in our cold, hard, 21st century construction of masculinity.

Dominant/submissive dacryphilia is most similar to the common BDSM perception of dacryphilia that I mentioned earlier. Simply enough, it involves a Dominant partner consensually pushing a submissive partner to their limits by dishing out physical and/or emotional pain, until they burst into tears. Interestingly for me (as a man with no BDSM under my belt), the focus of arousal here tended to be on power dynamics, which in this case are expressed through the instigating or experience of tears.

Only one interviewee spoke about curled-lip dacryphilia, but naturally it’s important to represent everyone’s experiences. This interest very specifically revolves around the ways in which someone’s face contorts as they begin to cry. The climax is the outward curling of the lip that immediately precedes the onset of tears. While this may seem like an incredibly niche interest, think about all of the crying images that we are bombarded with every day on the news and in your average BBC drama. It more than makes up for the likely lack of real-life interaction with this side of dacryphilia.

Dry your eyes mate

One of the questions I regularly field around dacryphilia is whether the three different interests should actually be considered separately from the crying fetish. In short, it’s a resounding no. For each of these interests, crying and/or tears are absolutely fundamental to arousal. Those with compassionate interests don’t just want to comfort men – they want to comfort men who have been crying. Likewise, those with Dominant/submissive interests aren’t simply BDSM practitioners – their highest point of pleasure is only reached once pain causes the tears to flow. And again, the individual with an interest in curled lips couldn’t care less if a girl curled her lips at him – there’s something specific and spontaneous about how the face moves during crying that can’t be feigned.

My preference is to view all fetishes as an umbrella of sexual interests that rely on a specific body part, object or person as the key thrust of arousal. And I imagine there’s even more to dacryphilia. I was initially drawn to this fetish by the allure of the elusive ‘miserywank’, which a classic Croydon band of my adolesence share a name with. Alas, there were no autoerotic accounts arising from my interviewee’s own tears, but this is an area of dacryphilia that’s crying out for more attention.

Keep your (wet) eyes peeled for my next post, which will be another dacryphilia special. But if you want to find out more before then, definitely check out the study itself. Otherwise, there’s some great journalism here and here that covers the study pretty well.

Taking a pounding: A quick tour of coin fetishism

Things all got a bit serious last week. I started banging on about refugees and you, dear readers, fled in droves. You obviously didn’t flee to the polling stations though, because some twat and a couple of journalists managed to convince the British electorate to leave the EU. As a committed allophile, I’m a bit disappointed by this. But that economically messy, disgustingly xenophobic and utterly deceitful cloud comes with a beautiful silver lining. And that silver lining is Brexit gay money erotica.

Now I know you lot are a bunch of dirty perverts who are itching to read about rubbing (off to) the Queen’s nose, but before we get down to business, a quick shout out to the friend who brought my attention to the literary masterpiece I’m about to describe. Pounded By The Pound: Turned Gay By The Socioeconomic Implications Of Britain Leaving The European Union was published on 24th June 2016 by author Chuck Tingle, a man famous for his butt-pounding back catalogue of classic tomes such as anti-hunting manifesto Hunter Dentist Pounded in the Butt by the Handsome Unicorn and political thriller Feeling The Bern in my Butt. Aside from being a timely reflection on post-referendum British identity, Pounded By The Pound makes a number of interesting observations. As my mate has already pointed out, the Queen’s guard being replaced by flying reptiles already happened some time ago. What really jumped out at me though, was the following declaration:

This erotic tale is 4,200 words of sizzling human on monetary unit action, including anal, blowjobs, rough sex, cream pies and living pound love.

If you know me, you’ll know that I simply cannot resist the deviant delights this blurb promises. So without further ado, I welcome you to the world of coin fetishism.

Please put a penny in the old man’s…

So, where do we start? If I’m honest with you, coin fetishism is pretty damn niche. I mean, there’s these guys and girls from the compelling website CoinTalk.com, who have made a coin porn thread (the jokers!). In a slightly more explicit and NSFW setting, we’ve also got this fellow, who has somehow managed to hide a lot of shrapnel in his foreskin – I count about 50 bits. While this could definitely constitute coin fetishism, the mystery masturbator in question doesn’t provide much of an explanation for what he’s doing. On the one hand, he may love the tender tactility of two-pence pieces on his penis. But, on the other hand, he might just like a challenge.

The closest I could get to anything more in-depth is this brief description alongside a NSFW photo from your boy greencrack on Reddit:

Love this coin. 1.5 oz. Maple with a wolf, so meaty and thick. Told gf about silver porn she thought it was werid but likes it. Women love precious metals and I love both. http://imgur.com/a/73P9V

Of course, it may be the case that greencrack‘s interests in women and silver are mutually exclusive. But let’s have a look at what exactly he likes about the coin. Note how greencrack emphasises the weight of the coin first and then describes it as ‘meaty and thick’. It seems to me that there’s something about the feel of the weight, about it being a solid piece of metal that really appeals to greencrack. Interestingly, that description of ‘meaty and thick’ tends to be used in relation to another sexual domain, one that you may have just witnessed in the video above. I don’t think that greencrack necessarily sees the coin as phallic in appearance. But to me, he is definitely sexualising the coin. And it may be that by placing it on his girlfriend’s naked body, he feels that it’s an extension of his own (not so meaty) member. Either way, greencrack seems to view his bullion in a very sensual way.

Getting nasty with nickels

When it comes to finding out about different sexual interests, internet forums are usually your friend. Surprisingly then, one of the best explanations of how exactly coins might be arousing comes from a 2011 prime-time television interview with pop-star Kesha. If you can get past Conan O’Brien’s old white dude hegemonic sleaziness, things get real interesting around 3:25:

In her brief explanation, Kesha talks about running her hands through the coins and hearing them jingle together. In other words, she’s getting at the feel of coins in her hands and the sound of coins to her ears. Let’s make a parallel with your own sex life. Do you get turned on when you stroke your dick or someone else’s? Maybe that’s what Kesha feels when she grabs a fistful of dollars. Do you feel a shiver down your spine when someone whispers their dark desires in your ear? Maybe that’s what Kesha feels when she hears the sweet sound of quarters in a bag.

C.R.E.A.M.(pie)

We, as humans, live embodied lives. And that embodiment means that we’re in touch with all of our senses. As long as we are still able to experience them, it’s entirely possible that any experience with those senses could give us a (lady) boner. For me, this is entirely what coin fetishism seems to be about – highly sexual sensory stimulation that any of us could experience with a variety of objects or human partners.

One last thing. You’ll be pleased to know that by looking into coin kinks, I’ve stumbled across other interesting practices that could be broadly definied as ‘money fetishism’. So if this post whetted your appetite for fiscal fantasies, get ready to bust a nut over some of my upcoming monetary musings…